Friday, June 19, 2009

Facebook 10 Commandments - Do's and Dont's for 40 and 50 Somethings

I got a chuckle out of some of the comments from my previous blog, The Miracle of Facebook. I also noticed a few online faux pauxs from some of my more intelligent readers. :o] So, for those that want to be on Facebook, here are the 10 Commandments and 10 Suggestions for the survival of the over 40 crowd on Facebook.

1. You shall have no other gods before me. - This includes Twitter, MySpace and Plaxo and Classmates.

2. You shall not make for yourself any carved image; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. - Buy a flat screen monitor and dump the CRT! And don't give it to your parents!

3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain. - Even if your stupid !*#%$ Internet connection is down, and tech support doesn't answer. Yes, and try checking the power-strip under the desk.

4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. - Reboot your PC at least once a week to clear the cache.

5. Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you. - Look, they are too old for Facebook, give 'em a call for crying out loud. And stop dumping the grand kids with them unannounced.

6. You shall not murder. - Slamming the mouse does nothing to get your PC unfrozen. But go ahead, knock yourself out. And remember, don't throw it unless it's a wireless mouse - remember paddle ball? I thought you would.

7. You shall not commit adultery. - :o)

8. You shall not steal. - This pertains to your friend's very funny status. It's just not cool. Google some Seinfeld quotes or something.

9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. - Don't post lies about your friends-- they could become friends with your friend-- or your spouse. And because you are new to this, an possibly such an inept neophyte, you probably don't know how to delete posts. Ask your teenager for ass-istance.

10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s. - Don't be reposting your friend's pictures, alright? That is what the SHARE link is for- DUH. Please!

And some additional tips:

1. Never accept a friend request from someone that you haven't seen in 20 or 30 years-- at least until you've looked at their profile picture! This will save you the utter embarrassment of posting to their "wall" FOR ALL TO SEE: "OMG - you've gained so much weight!" or "What happened to your hair!" It is much better to think it out loud, regain your composure, and come up with a more compelling post. This will make things much less awkward at your next reunion.

2. Profile pictures: They need to be recent; within the last 10 years! Group and travel photos are not cool because-- well, no one will know if it's you or a gazelle in the back row. And remember to change the orientation of your photos so it looks like you are standing up, not laying in the gutter eating pizza. Stay away from amusement park photos of you throwing up on the Cyclone or pulling up your shirt at Splash Mountain. The ones taken while drunk at Universal Studios-- no one is going to believe that you can still drink like you used to. And don't put up a picture of your dog or favorite cartoon character, you're an adult now.

3. What's On You Mind? - I realize this is scary. And for most of us, because Big Brother is recording everything on Facebook, lie. We don't care if you lost your car keys (try the front door). Skip the fantasies, song lyrics and don't be firing off stuff to make people mad that are not my friends too. IE: I am mad at Bob, he such is such a jerk and deserves to die. Try Compose New Message from the Inbox menu!

4. Relationship Status: Call the other party and let them know that you are dumping them, OK? I mean, nothing like Bob changing his relationship status to "Single," and then posting your friends asking for dates. Not cool.

5. Teenagers: If your kids are your friends, don't type them messages in all lower case to be cool. There are two shift keys, and the odds are you are using at least two fingers to type these days; that should free up at least one of them. Don't friend their friends (friend in this case is a verb and a plural noun). WTF - Doesn't mean "who's the friend?" Just don't use it.

6. Fanning: Barry Manilow was not that cool in 1976, and he still isn't. Don't become his fan, it shows your age, and your on Facebook trying to hide it right? Remember, this is your last chance to be cool before you die, don't blow it. Even if you are a fan of Morning Sex, don't go there. Your kids are watching and this is a picture they don't want to have-- and have been trying to avoid since they were about 14.

7. Commenting: This is different from What's On You Mind? It's a comment about a post. You didn't know that because you were too busy watching your fingers while typing. BTW - These too are public!

8. Notes: This is where you put all that junk that you would normally send in email as a forward. And STOP sending me emails, I don't want the Neiman Marcus cookie recipe, and I don't play in the balls at the McDonalds playground. Oh, one more thing, I am not going to read your notes either!

9. Birthday: Skip displaying the year. There are 3 reasons: 1) We graduated together in 1970 something -- in 30 years, nothing has changed-- including the year you were born. OK, well maybe our pants sizes. 2) It makes me feel old. 3) Identity thieves can use it to get your credit records.

10. Can you please use a name I recognize? I shouldn't have to buy a vowel just figure out who you are. There is a space for maiden name - you can even use that if you are divorced. It bugs my wife when she sees that I have been befriended by a woman that has a porn star name like Katy Kitten. When I knew you, your name was Kathryn Thomas Bukowski. And if you are too, stop forwarding me emails.


Tony C said...

WTF...that's priceless.

One of my teenager's friends sent a chat message to me last night(she's grounded), so I would relay a message. It ended like this:

Tony: God bless...
Teenager: is that g2g?
Tony: I'm lost. What's g2g?
Teenager: same as bye
Tony:lol...oh got to go! Yes, it's a way of saying goodbye.
Teenager: cool, good chatting
Tony: Same here. Bye AND God bless...
Teenager: u2

I didn't even bother going into the U2/Bono thing.

Great post. God bless...

Mamakita said...

I can't believe YOU wrote #6 ... I mean that's how I know you're home.

photogr said...

Ummm. Interesting.

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