Wednesday, July 21, 2010

5 1/2 Things I Don't Think I Need to Hear in Church Again as Long as I Live

I read some blogs and they are outlined in perfectly numbered topical points. Matt at The Church of No People often uses three examples. I think it is a Japanese thing. The Japanese almost always use odd numbers - particaulry 3 and 5 in the number of objects in a painting. Maybe Matt is Japanese, I don't know.

Then there is Brett that writes Godly Sheep; he has his Monday High 5 series.

Of course there is Tony C, he rarely makes a point. I am not sure if he can even use numbers yet, but I'm glad to call him a friend - and he does make me laugh.

Well, I don't want copy those guys, even though I worship them - so I am going to do a 5 1/2 series. You'll get 5 complete points, and a 1/2 finished one - sort of like teenagers clearing out the dishwasher.

So here is my first one. Five and a half things I don't think I need to hear in church again as long as I live.

Let's face it, the Christian-ese vocabulary is limited and that is a formula for redundecy. And because there is no lexicon for the vernacular, one is likely to hear phrasology from the pulpit and the faithful that is well - down right annoying after awhile. Here's a short list.

-1 "Can I get an amen?" This is sort of like a comedian telling a joke twice because no one laughed at it the first time. Amen means "so be it'. Can't I just nod my head in agreement and contuniung Facbooking on my Blackberry?

-2 "How's your walk?" It was good until I sprained my ankle tripping over that plank in your eye. Now I am going to need a healing.

-3 "Let's get together some time." Is this code for something like, "I have no intention of calling you, hanging out, and I probably won't even remember your name next time I see you?

-4 "We're doing a special love offering." It sounds like a title for a NAMBLA web page. Really, is the church a non-prophet organization that doesn't have the revelation of how annoying this is?

-5 "Could you please come and get your child?" You know, I put my kid in Sunday School for you to take care of. If she punched some snot-nosed toddler in the eye, they probably deserved it.

-5 1/2 "Every eye closed - "

How about you, what phrase in church makes you nuts?


Revsimmy said...

Love #2!

Charlie Chang said...

Any form of telling someone they need to "Ask Jesus in their heart." I still don't really know what that means.

Sort of along the lines of #3, "Let's hang out real soon." I never hear from that person, they never mention it again, and if I make the step to call them, they're always busy. Or when I ask, "What are you doing tonight?" They NEVER give an answer until they find out what I'm calling about first. If it's something they don't want to do they make an excuse as to why they can't go. If they like it, they'll invite everyone and their mother to come. Sometimes I just want to hang out one on one with a buddy.

"Are you coming tonight to evening service?"
No, I'm not. I'm not spending all day in this building. As soon as we get home from morning service, we have to get the kids ready an hour prior and do it all over again, then get home at 8pm. No, stop asking me.

"Are you helping with VBS?" Again, no, if I wanted to, I would offer to help, but I can't.

"Are you reading your bible?" I missed a couple of days, I guess I'm going to sleep on my fold out couch in hell.

This last one is inside church or outside anywhere. "Did you buy a house yet or are you still renting?" What difference does it make honestly? Sheesh.

Tony C said...

'with every eye closed, every head bowed...raise your hand and it's just between you, me and the Lord.'

Do I really need 'me' (aka preacher) in that equation? I don't think so.

Hey! I can count to 20 in Spanish and Chinese thanks to Nick Jr. Still working on American though...

David said...

Thanks for the comments guys - but the winner is "fold out couch in Hell." LOL But in the end I feel your pain in folks that sort of have a regular, but impersonal "rap" about church. How about some one-on-one time? Boy that hits home. Can we talk about something other than Jesus for a few minutes?!?! Like I could hunt you down in an Airsoft match, and shoot you in some sensitive and unprotected place? How would that be? *smiling like Joel Olsteen*

@Tony - Nick Jr. that says it all "dad."

Anonymous said...

*Let's all hold hands...
*Every head bowed, Every eye closed...
*I see that hand... yes and that one... and that one back there...
*I've been praying for you. (I reply, good- cuz I need lots of it)

Good post :)

Anonymous said...

just realized Tony and I have the same issue with every head bowed, eyes closed LOL ;)

photogr said...

We have great plans for you in my church.

Brett Barner said...

Lol I instantly connected with #1. Great job, and thanks for the shout-out! :)

eaglegirl said...

Here is something that has driven me crazy for years and years.
"Shake hands and say hello to a person nearby you" or something like that.
I don't know about you, but I have Never found that to foster and kind of relationship with anyone that I did not know. In a large church this really does not work. And in a small one everyone already knows each other.
Since the H1N1 flu breakout at least they stopped telling people to shake hands.

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