Have you ever wondered what it would be like if churches were run by big corporations? I have.
-1 First Church of Walmart - it would be be the biggest church around for miles. A real come as you are fellowship. You'd be sure to be greeted, but don't expect too much expert help after that. The pastor would man the Customer Service desk single handed. Sermons would be broadcast from the mother-ship in Arkansas to big screen HDTVs in every price range. Folks that serve would receive rewards cards. There would be an express line for folks only wanting a little church on Sunday. And Kid's Church in the Toy Department! Hey, you might even get a roll-back on tithes and offerings.
-2 Dunkin' Donuts Family Church - Fellowship time would rock! The decor, a bright pink and medium brown would give spiritual comfort to caffeine deprived. The kids would be on a sugar high until Monday morning. Double-Shot Latte Sermons, Iced Home Fellowships and Sunday combos! You might even get a drive-up pastoral counseling session with someone that speaks your language. DDFC has systematic and cultural difference from the Starbucks Christian Fellowships - but there are no baristas (Italian for bartender) here. And they'd have coffee and donuts everywhere - even for communion.
-3 British Petroleum First Congressional Church - Wrought with scandal as immense as the fall of the PTL Club in the 1980's, it's the most prosperous non-profit in the USA. Well, if oil is a sign of the anointing, then you won't find a yoke within a thousand miles of this church. Off-shore church plants would provide a multitude of mission possibilities. No altar calls, lots of suits and ties. Just don't mention getting "saved" or "cleaned up" too loud, it could be bad for membership.
Toyota Prius Evangelical - Another mega-church with programs to fit every make and model of family. Their in denial that some of there membership has run off ahead of them causing incessant PR problems - especially the selling of indulgences.Often accused of looking much like other Eastern religions, they still hold a place as one of the largest denominations in th world. None the less, spiritual tunes-ups, body work and an occasional overhaul have driven love offerings to an all time high. For the average Christian, they've got an average gospel, but the cross has been displaced by the thing that looks like a stylize water buffalo.
-5 Microsoft Unitarian Church - Every thing would be under the control of Pastor Bill. He'd regularly denounce the competition down south as a product of the fruit, the flake and the nut state. With billions in yearly donations, the word "corporate" takes on a new meaning. A real multi-cultural church, with legions of programmers, yet you won't find anyone from Apple-asia, here. Evey new program is the same as the old, using more resources and offering a mediocre Christian experience.
- 5 1/2 Apple - based on the book of Jobs...