Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Don't You Just Hate Insincere Thanksgivings?

The Thanksgiving holiday is upon us. Abe Lincoln the proclaim-er of the day which the Pilgrims and Wapannoag Indians started, is now a National tradition - with a few additions which I am not thankful for.

In 1621, the colonists at Plimouth (Plymouth where the Rock is displayed in a pillared hole in the sidewalk.) and Wampanoag Indians shared a harvest feast that is heralded as the first Thanksgiving celebration. I haven't checked Guinness Book of World Records though, but we'll leave it at that; it seems factual. In 1863, smack dab in the middle of the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed a national Thanksgiving Day to be held each November.

Interesting how we become thankful when folks are dying all around us.

Legend has it that John Wilkes Booth assassinated old Abe because he broke the rules of political correctness. A TEA Party Republican who actually had the audacity to thank Almighty God in the presence of Atheists! But I digress.

As a descendant of the Mayflower, I want to thank my great-great-great-something-or-other William Bradford for his part. He was an awesome man of God. Unfortunately for him, alcohol was legal in the New World - and well, after a few billion pints, a few hundred years, and a number of ungodly ancestors, here I am. Really, thanks Uncle Bill - nice hat.

The blogosphere is burgeoning with over stuffed posts I call skyrockets of thankfulness. Like jailhouse religion - it's hard to find the real sincerity in it. I am grateful for my job, wife, family kids - right - got it. One guy I read about was honset. He was thankful for beer, his truck, sex and Brad Paisly, but not President Obama. Another guy was grateful for love, sex, pizza and President Obama. (Sounds like it's time for another summit with benefits.) But how is that going to change what people do or think the day after Turkey Day when they hit the malls flipping off parking spot snatchers in Jesus' name?

I am grateful, I really am. There are still few things I hate about the holidays.

-1 Advertising: Oh look, here is some plastic junk made in China you don't want, or need - and your kid is going to pitch a major hissy fit when they don't get it - complete with Christmas lights! Honestly, if we could stick to Super Bowl quality advertising, it would be more bearable. The same dopes are going to do the same stupid commercials wearing Santa hats.

I have a message from God for advertisers: If I didn't buy a Mocha Maker/ Electric Shaver Combo Gadget in July, then the Santa hat is not going to convince me. Honestly, has anyone noticed that the As Seen on TV stores in Malls are pretty much gone? There's a reason! They should have known when they purchased the web site URL!

Save your money, buy a Dave Ramsey book or something.

-2 Football: It's a dumb sport. I mean the rest of the world already has football. We should just combine the two and let the soccer players use their hands. And by next year Randy Moss will have played for every team in the NFL anyway.

There are a lot of activities we could get beer and hot wings for - Sunday service?

-3 Sweet Potatoes: I am not feeling the love. You need to make Candied Yams in order to make sweet potatoes sweet. In my book, pecan pie is the clear winner when it comes to sweet, and it is far more nutritious. I mean there are starving folks in other countries that could use the sweet potatoes - ALL of them!

-4 Tryptophan: This is on the top of my Ask God When I get to Heaven list. I get a few days off, and you put something in the turkey that makes me nap through half of it? I am thinking caffeine would have been a better additive. And for a real boost a 4 Loko would have been a distinct possibility for basting the turkey. We could stay awake and not remember what grandma looks like when her dentures fall out.

-5 Social Media Slowdown: With about 400 friends on Facebook, a few dozen on Twitter, and more on MySpace, the social media web slows to a crawl. People are actually with their friends and family; albeit having a text social, acting nearly human. Hardly worth turning on the Blackberry!

One can sit for hours on Thanksgiving afternoon, and Christmas morning without nary a post. For a generation that can't seem to walk straight on the sidewalk, drive a car, or sit though dinner without an alert, this is big news!

-5 1/2 Green Bean Casserole... I mean on a list of all the possible dishes one could have at a holiday meal, I think this one rates at the bottom - right after creamed onions.

How about you, are you truly thankful?

And don't forget to look for my Black Friday Gifts for Geeks. I'll be posting it at 4:00 AM so you can read it before you leave the house!


Tonjia Rolan said...

Delightfully funny!!

David-FireAndGrace said...

Thanks! And have a Happy Thanksgiving!

photogr said...

Yep. I am thankful for what I do have in family and friends. Don't ask for much though. Figure the Lord will give me what I need for happiness.

Enjoy your Holiday David.

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