Monday, November 16, 2009

WTF? - 10 Questions Social Networkers Need to Answer

Social media is great for keeping up with folks that you have no desire to spend any real time with. And you are probably one of them. I know that's hard to take. But really, it's a great replacement for going out to coffee, talking on the phone, inviting guests over to your messy house and attending other activities where you might catch H1N1 or have to take a shower. If you get your kids involved, you can even sell your minivan, blowing off soccer, ballet and swimming!

I was looking over the stats for my most popular posts because Tony C. said his was about Michael Jackson. Mine? It was about the Holy Spirit. I am not even going to try and analyze that... to use an annoying phrase, "it is what it is."

Another one of my most popular posts was 10 Commandments for Facebook - Do's and Dont's for the Over 40 Crowd.

The online community is ever changing since Al Gore passed away. So here are some things I just don't get in today's online world - how about you?

-1 What should your Tweet or Facebook status be? - So tell me, why do people waste bits and bandwidth on posting stuff like this: "My apartment is on fire!"? OMG - Nobody believes you. It is like a car alarm - has anyone ever been caught stealing a car because the car alarm was going off? NO! Maybe you should try Tweeting "911." And believe it or not, your phone makes calls - doesn't it? I know it's been a while since you used the voice feature.

-2 Non-anonymous posts, are they bad? - Why do people post stuff like, "My husband is a jerk," or "Somebody in my house that is 45-years-old is a slob!" I have interviewed many woman, and this is not news. The propensity for it to happen is well - pretty high - even amongst Christians. If you are trying to get his attention, hide the remote before you leave for church. Take separate cars (so there will be no fighting on the way to the Holy Land."), and then go out for lunch with the kids so he can watch the game. Leave your cell phone at home. You'll get his attention.

-3 Why doesn't Facebook and Twitter have spell check? - I'll tell you why, most posts online are so horrendous, they would have Google on it's digital knees. What the hell does "Heheheheheasihwenkjwpas!" mean? Please don't drink and type, you end up posting a comment on my status that belongs on your brother-in-laws Facebook Wall. I assume he interprets drunk, because he posted "Hohohohohohohajhdkjhargqwueh!" in the same thread. Please hide the keyboard or check out your local secretarial school and get a designated typist. Oh yeah, can you capitalize the beginning of sentences! Hint - there are two SHIFT keys and a Caps Lock - you can do it.

-4 What is BORED? - For Pete's sake, we know you're bored, you are ONLINE! And if you happen to be one of my kids, clean up your room, rake the leaves and put your empty glasses in the "effing" dishwasher. Then we can see about finding some other activity to stimulate your pathetic little life between keyboard and mall.

-5 Parents, why do you put uncool stuff on your kids MySpace and Facebook profiles? - I have interviewed a few kids that have deleted their parents because, well, posting "Honey, could you clean up your room before I beat you take away your car again?" was just a little too embarrassing for the designated driver to the Kanye West concert.

-6 Do emoticons really have meaning? - Are you tired of sideways heart emoticons? <3> As a Christian you need to love your online neighbor - so spread the love, do what Jesus would do and send around some smileys and various other emoticons. Barf. If you are going to go on a mission, try eradicating j/k.

-7 What do we need blocking for? - Why should I get blocked when YOU post something as inflammatory as "No one should die because they don't have health care." Did you notice that all the people that commented you have a job and pay taxes? Did you block them too? Are you a Communist that hates free speech? Next time, unless you are willing to be challenged, keep your thoughts to yourself or I'll send you a virus. What? McAfee and Norton should be free to everyone who can't afford it? Click!

-8 What is too much information? - Hey Tweety birds, is your life so shallow that you have to tell us everything that you do? I mean, hearing people talk on cell phones from the stall in the men's room was pathetic. Now you are posting pics of the toilet paper dispenser? Honestly, this is so far beyond, "way too much information."

And posting "I am sick" everyday is stupid. We don't want to hear it anymore. Go drink a couple of bottles of NyQuil - but hide your keyboard first!

-9 Why do people play Facebook games? - People, surveys, and Facebook games are stupid. It is like SPAM for the online community. Think about it, you are feeding fish, buying donkeys (that should have been your first clue) and hoeing fields. What are you thinking? Is this something that you are going to send out in your annual Holiday Update letter? "

Dear Friends: This was an eventful year. Little Susie (cutepuppies2005) hit level 300 in Fishville. Just a few died and went down the digital toilet. J/K it was like over 200! :( Little Johnny (smahta$$2003) put DON FAHQ in the hospital right after he put a hit on him in Mob Wars. Suspenseful! But thanks be to God, wireless reaches to every room in the house and we don't have to hear the Farmville music loop. Hope you had a good year too. <3>

-10 WTF? - The meaning of WTF? still means WTF? It was rumored that it means "who's the fool?" after the inventor of the Internet. Some things never change.

And this is progress? Don't blame me, blame Al Gore.


photogr said...

AsIam typingaway like a onearmedbandit, I found your commentshumorous.

I will try to remember your suggestions. One of the reasons I find facebook un appealing but it does help you get a message out occasionally in between Mafia wars, smilley faces, and the farm.

Tony C said...

<3> That's a sideways heart?

I thought it was a big-breasted woman laying on her side...doh!

David said...

@Tony - hey, the Blogspot interface doesn't allow the use of a single greater then sign - it requires a closing less then or it wrecks the code. I lost a paragraph because of it.

Me, I'll just sitting around pondering the problem. (_|_).

Michelle said...

I really enjoyed this post! I have thought these very things!

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